Wednesday, October 29, 2008


Australia’s dynamic leader, Kevin “ The Enumerator ”Rudd and Hollywood’s “ Exterminator”, Arnold Swarzenneger , are working round the clock on a joint plan to save the world . Unfortunately, Arnie’s proposal is doomed to failure because it depends on an alien creature from another dimension sucking out the brain of President Bush. This is an oxymoron, so is the president . No patriotic, right thinking Exterminator is prepared to take on the yukky task , although they are willing to eviscerate Tom Cruise, John Travolta and Dick Cheney , which would do a power of good . Speaking from a steroid - free cone of silence, California governor Swarzenneger today fletched his muscles and tore a hamstring . As a consequence , he will not be playing for Hawthorn next season.

Monday, October 27, 2008


In a reassuring statement aimed to overcome the global economic jitters, President Bush today announced that the G7 group of the world's richest companies will undergo a name change. As from today it will be known as the G-Strings.
This is a clear indication , to use a quaint American expession , that the countries do not have enough collateral to cover their collective ass. Asses are having a tough time right now what with a shortage of fodder, rising vet fees , neighbours complaining about their braying at all hours of the day and night and their methane punching holes in the ozone.
President Bush made his historic announcement at the White House pawn shop in the company of a visiting cheese eating surrender monkey from Paris

Saturday, October 25, 2008


The fine ABC documentary about the disappearance of Prime Minister Harold Holt at Cheviot Beach in December 1967 contained a puzzling link to Darwin. In the trailer advertising the doco and the film itself there was a shot of cameramen crowding in. Without a doubt , one of those was Walkley Award winning journalist, the late Keith Willey , who worked at the Northern Territory News under the editorship of Jim Bowditch.

Willey covered Holt’s disappearance for the Sydney Sun and discussed the assignment with this Little Britain member . How he came to be posing as a photographer with a speed graphic is puzzling . One suggestion is that the search was spread over a wide area , the large media party dashing from one place to another, and that a photographer gave him a camera just in case something dramatic happened and there was no regular cameraman on hand.

It being the time of the Vietnam war, Willey had gone on patrol with Australian soldiers, was caught in a mortar barrage, resulting in loss of hearing, and died from cancer, which his wife thought could have been caused by drinking water contaminated by Agent Orange.

Thursday, October 23, 2008


The 24th of October is the 13th anniversary of the house arrest of the rightful , democratically elected leader of the long suffering Burmese, Aung San Suu Kyi. The stirring call of liberte, egalite and fraternite will not be heard in the afflicted country because the large French company, Total Oil, is one of the overseas companies hand in glove with the murderous Burmese generals.

Total is a partner in the recently announced $12 billion LPG plant to be built in Darwin. Demonstrations in support of the frail Nobel Peace Prize recipient and against Total Oil will be held in various parts of the world, particularly outside the London Chinese and Burmese embassies , but not , we suspect, in Dreamtime Darwin.

There is also pressure for the plight of the Burmese and the economic rape of the nation’s resources by foreign countries to be brought up at a Beijing meeting scheduled today between Asian and European countries.

It is almost certain the Territory’s genial Business Minister, Kon Vatskalis, recently in China spreading bonhomie (that's French ) and urging the locals to come on down and help clutter up the Darwin skyline and roads , asked the Chinese to consider the unfortunate Burmese on this anniversary. After all , his homeland, Greece, birthplace of democracy , once echoed to the jackboots of generals.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


Three giant crocodiles have been rushed to Royal Darwin Hospital after being savagely jawboned by rampaging Queensland mouth rinse salesman, Gob Chatter. The crocodiles have been placed in a drug induced coma deepened by the playing of NT Legislative Assembly debate tapes about the fabulous NT lifestyle.

Their injuries are terrible to behold . None of the mutilated crocs can ever hope to be made into an expensive set of executive suitcases. Critics say Chatter should be shot , frequently, with a Gatling gun. However, because he has such a thick hide , it has been estimated that it would take a year’s supply of ammo for the US Marines in Iraq to even dent his epidermis.

A member of the Family First Gun Club, Chatter has an itchy finger, an itchy nose and an itchy derriere. His aim is to mow down many of God’s creatures, be they large or small. Greenies, university students, NGOs and bats are also targeted by Chatter as he marauds about outback Queensland , deep in adoring redneck country, wearing the only 20 gallon albino cowboy hat in the world . His Queensland fans , whose knuckles often drag on the ground, affectionately call him the Great White Hatter .

Monday, October 20, 2008


Believe it or not , there is to be another political party called the CLP in the Northern Territory . There used to be the anorexic Country Liberal Party which grew into the Country Liberals which morphed into the Clobber the Labor Party. Then along came the weird Curvaceous Lip Party . Now there is the Crocodile Liberation Party , all known as the CLP. Confused ? So are we, but our excuse is that most members of the Little Darwin editorial team are bonkers. Our esteemed political pundit, Cyril Cyclops, says the NT’s feral donkey voters will find it hard to work out voting slips with so many CLPs to choose from .

The Crocodile Liberation Party is against the forced removal of crocodiles from Darwin Harbour. At a media conference in the renowned Throb nightclub , the president of the Croc Party , Kylie Gorge , issued a challenge to wildlife rangers : “ Let my crocodiles go loose, Bruce. Let my crocodiles go loose .” Bruce was unable to defend himself because he was wrestling a ferocious 10 metre crocodile which had eaten two southern tourists at the Mindil Beach markets.
Kylie says crocodiles are entitled to swim in the harbour as they were eating trepangers long before the Great White Hunter arrived in Darwin . According to Ms Gorge , crocodiles suffer extreme withdrawal symptoms when trapped , tied up and removed from the tasty Darwin sewage treatment ponds. This kind of cruel treatment must stop, she said. Crocodiles should be given the keys to the CDB where they could help drastically reduce hoons, thugs and dingbats. However , the Mayor seemed more interested in cane toads than crocodiles . Ms Gorge said all Crocodile Liberation Party candidates are easy to identify because they shed genuine crocodile tears – unlike the many other animals in the political swamp .

Monday, October 13, 2008


The cargo cult mentality dominating discussions about Darwin’s Inpex venture has dodged a large moral issue. It certainly was not raised by the media at the orchestrated official announcement here when the emperors appeared to be wearing fashionable clothing. While the project is billed as Japanese , it has an influential French partner , Total, fourth biggest oil company in the world , which has a 40 per cent holding in the WA properties that will be tapped. Strangely, Chief Minister Paul Henderson flew to Paris, not Tokyo, to assure the “ Japanese ” company that the ALP backed Inpex to the ceremonial hilt.

Total has been strongly condemned for being one of the international companies fuelling the oppressive dictatorship in Burma. The London based Campaign for Human Rights and Democracy in Burma states that Total is one of the biggest foreign companies in Burma which in joint ventures pumps “ hundreds of millions of dollars ” each year into the illegal, corrupt, brutal military regime running the country. Apart from the in group of corrupt people, the bulk of the Burmese populace receive little or no benefit from the plundering of the country’s resources by overseas companies.

The campaigners charge that widespread and sustained human rights abuses were associated with the Total pipeline in Burma, including forced labour, torture and rape. In addition, tougher European Union sanctions against Burma have been blocked by the French government in its efforts to protect Total’s interests. Remember how the French blew up the Rainbow Warrior in Auckland because of widespread objections to the Mururoa Atoll atomic tests which were polluting the Pacific ? A dash of Strontium 90 , we were told, added zest to milk and was harmless for children’s bones.

The well documented London website for justice and freedom in Burma has a graphic which shows TOTAL making part of the word TOTALITARIAN intertwined with a machine gun . The message is abundantly clear.

Aung San Suu Kyi , whose party won 82 per cent of seats in the l990 election , still under house arrest by the predatory thugs strutting about in military uniforms, has spoken out about foreign companies aiding and abetting the economic rape of the country. Other parties to the oppression are China and Thailand.

While Inpex is the operating partner in the project, Total has a large part of the action. This surely raises a moral issue for the NT , especially Aboriginal members of the NT Government with ministerial portfolios. These members protest about the treatment of their own people from time to time and in the case of Community Services Minister Malarndirri McCarthy she has actively campaigned against the diverting of the McArthur River by a mining company.

What should they do or say to an outfit which is accused of aiding and abetting an illegal regime which is plundering a country and guilty of many atrocities against its own people ? At the next photo opportunity involving the CM could some journo ask in depth questions about the matter, like : Do you know that Total is accused of being hand in glove with the murderous Burmese junta which openly rejects UN approaches to establish democracy ? Have you ever discussed the Burmese situation with Inpex / Total ? Did you visit Total offices in Paris when you went there to hold talks with the “ Japanese”? Will you now, alerted by Little Darwin ,which knows where many skeletons are buried , ask Total to outline its involvement in Burma and use its influence with the illegal regime to step aside for the people’s party which should be governing the unfortunate country ?

Little Darwin acknowledges the inglorious moment when former Australian Foreign Minister Gareth Evans was snapped drinking champagne with his Indonesian counterpart in a plane over the Timor gap after signing a contract to divvy up the oil spoils, some of which had been stolen from the subjugated East Timorese. Hypocrisy, like oil on water, spreads far and wide . An interesting development took place a few days ago when the giant WA energy producer Woodside put a clamp on hiring extra staff and expressed concern about being able to raise finance for major future projects. Will blood money pouring out of Burma help Inpex overcome this potential problem ?


Sunday, October 12, 2008


Many Northern Territory police officers are suffering from a strange condition called restless leg syndrome. A puzzling symptom of the malady is sudden , involuntary leg movements. Officers patrolling Darwin’s Mitchell Street weekend drongo precinct and other moron beats are particularly prone to the worrying condition. They report frequent episodes in which their boot, for some unknown reason, has kicked a jackass up the khyber.

An officer sedately walking along a footpath , without warning, can suddenly find himself high kicking like Basil Fawlty impersonating goose - stepping Germans. This has led to an outbreak of complaints about police brutality and bundles of extra money for the growing thug protection industry .
In Darwin Magistrate’s Court today Constable Careful was cleared of an assault charge against a hammer wielding youth who bashed a grannie for her Bingo money. CCTV clearly showed Constable Careful , a sensitive , new age cop, had twice booted the culprit over the cross bar at Richardson Park . However, medical evidence proved that Constable Careful was afflicted by insidious restless leg syndrome when he donned his footie boots , filled the culprit's face with sand , said a prayer and raised the linesmen's flags. .

Friday, October 10, 2008


A brilliant NASA space capsule engineer has been frantically called in by PowerWater to save Darwin from a catastrophic blackout. He is Dr Who, a much travelled genius with an amazing Wallace and Gromit tool kit which enables him to fix just about anything that is a pile of old junk.

Dr Who is recovering from a tragic romance with Australia’s own Kylie Minogue aboard the luxury liner Titanic . Sadly, the Singing Budgie was sucked into a nuclear furnace after giving Dr Who a French kiss which caused his smelly sneakers to melt . Before she was reduced to sub atomic particles , Kylie threw Dr Who a piece of her lingerie which he now uses to polish his unique multi- purpose made in China screwdriver .

Saddened by Kylie’s demise, the good doctor seemed to disappear from Earth . He was, however, living like a hermit in a cave near the summit of Mt Everest , mourning the loss of yet another girlfriend ,despite the daily noisy throng of yuppy climbers, some in wheelchairs from Little Britain complaining about the view atop a sherpa's back .

When PowerWater sent out a Bat Signal for help, it was answered not by a fruit bat in tights, but Dr Who. He lobbed at the Casuarina substation in a puff of smoke aboard a strange space vehicle which looks like a police call box. It contains a top secret generator powered by bulldust and rust , fuel which is super abundant in the Top End. Dr Who is a veteran of Darlek riot control and says he will teach Darwin police new age methods to permanently eradicate local idiot gangs and Mitchell Street juiced up weekend morons.

Sunday, October 5, 2008


Due to the giant economic snafu created by American banking , real estate and finance sharks , 2008 has been cancelled as the international Year of the Potato . It has been renamed the Year of the Irish Potato Famine and will be in force for at least a decade , if we are extremely lucky.

In announcing the name change , President Bush took the opportunity to use the immortal weasel words of President Nixon’s Press Secretary , Ronald Ziegler, when he said all previous soothing announcements about the strength of US banking fundamentals are now inoperative.

President Bush claimed the bail out of robber barons would result in a trickle down spin off for the unwashed masses of the world. He was unable to say if this would be a wee Irish trickle or an avalanche of waste water that would make life even messier for bog dwellers. Made in China shamrocks will be handed out by the Big Dicks of global finance.

Saturday, October 4, 2008


It is fitting that Little Darwin , inspired by the fabulous Little Britain TV show and Territory delusions of grandeur, should have an item or five about weird goings on with people in wheelchairs. Who can forget the wheelchair bound character shoplifting, beating up beercan throwing boneheads, parachuting , thwarting his thoughtful carer’s love life?
Well, try this for size. In hospitals throughout Australia a farcical battle of the wheelchairs is going on each and every day. It is not uncommon for a patient to park a wheelchair to shower and emerge to find the chariot missing, swiped by a staff member who had to steal it because of a severe shortage of wheelchairs .
In post-op recovery sections , nurses often argue over who will have the next rare wheelchair available to transport their patient to a ward. Full of awesome power, a wheelchair supervisor , something like the Big Fat Controller out of Thomas the Tank Engine, armed with a clipboard , keeps a beady eye on the movements of this necessary equipment , but not its condition .

Wheelchairs turn up with FLAT tyres ,LOOSE arm rests , CORRODED metal parts. Trying to manoeuvre a wheelchair with an hexagonal shaped wheel and a stand containing drips and tubes is dangerous to both the staff member doing the shoving and the patient . Many wheelchairs should be junked instead of patched up .

Maintenance of wheelchairs , we are informed , is unsatisfactory, slow and individual departments in hospitals are charged for repairs . The redtape associated with this madness is monumental. In a large Brisbane hospital something like l6 wheelchairs were mustered in one department and carted away for repairs. The faults included tyres so worn canvas was showing through, backs were loose, arm rests missing and rust was so evident it looked like a scene from a Hammersley Range iron ore pit , a Third World scenario. Report the obvious unsatisfactory situation to somebody up the food chain of command , and they often tend to plead ignorance.

We don’t yet know what the situation is like at Royal Darwin Hospital but going on some of the dodgem car antics performed outside the main entrance by people in wheelchairs some probably need a bit of panel beating by V8 pit crews.