Tuesday, April 28, 2009

TERRITORY JOINS SPACE RACE

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd today announced a space base will be built at Tennant Creek in the Northern Territory as part of America’s plan to land a hamburger on the dark side of the moon. The PM signed up for the project during his recent visit to China’s newest province , America . President Obama ushered Mr Rudd aside and outlined the secret plan for the fastest food launch in history .

As a special privilege , Mr Rudd will do the count down for the historic burger lift off. As everybody knows, Mr Rudd can count up to 10 because he enumerates at least that many points in each speech he makes. But can he count backwards to launch a mighty French Fries multi - stage rocket ? To make sure that he does not miss a beat , rocket expert Wernher von Braun , a German cheese and snitzel eating surrender monkey who collaborated with the Yanks , will be flown from Washington to Canberra to teach the PM how to count backwards from 10 to zero .
Rocket scientist Tom Lehrer pointed out von Braun , who helped blast London to smithereens with rockets , became an American hero because of his capacity to count backwards . This same skill will help our astronaut leader , who has hardly come down to earth since he took office , to expand the ALP’s education revolution which is designed to make Australia rotate anti-clockwise on its axis.

Monday, April 27, 2009

FLY UNITED WITH A BLANKET

Before the Territory and Federal governments enthusiastically support new airline operators starting up , they should insist that the newcomers have reasonable -not primitive- terminal facilities. Darwin resident tells us that when he flew to Melbourne with a cut price airline he disembarked at Tullamarine and had to walk a long way across the tarmac in freezing conditions .

Luggage was delivered 20 minutes later to something like a tent , whipped by gusty wind, where everyone froze. Teeth chattered , people hugged each other trying to keep warm . Thinly clad travellers from overseas who had been enjoying the tropical north were shocked.

Our informant subsequently went down with the flu . While it is customary to crack jokes about Melbourne’s weather, this situation should not be tolerated .
The NT’s proposed Aviation Director should be told that inferior arrangements for Territory travellers are to be rejected .


Another Darwinite who makes flights with various airlines is concerned about the way aircraft are cleaned. He has found seat pockets like middens , stuffed with old boarding passes many weeks old, assorted confectionery packets , wrappers , chewing gum , even a nappy . He has also become familiar with a persistent frequent flyer brown stain, which may be due to coffee, but you never know when it comes to splashes of this hue .


Hope somebody involved in guarding Australia from nasty pandemics being brought in from overseas reads this as Darwin is the front door in more ways than one.

REVOLTING PENSIONERS MAKE WAR ***

Australia’s commitment to the war in Afghanistan received a boost today when the Rudd Government announced that a battalion of nude pensioners will be sent to Kabul. These are the same pensioners who brought Melbourne to a standstill when they stripped down to their underwear and frightened everybody- including the underworld , the Victorian Police Association and the government .
Egged on by militant Indian taxi drivers who live the high life on eight bucks an hour , the pensioners let it all hang out . It was an ugly situation which shocked the nation , derailed trams, frightened horses and caused an outbreak of rheumatism and pneumonia.
Sadly , the saturation TV news coverage caused thousands of children to be scared of their grandparents. Many children now have nightmares about their flabby grannies . The Taliban reportedly fled to the hills, shedding their weapons, when they heard about the Aussie shock troops about to hit the country. Wearing camouflaged mother hubbards , the pensioner task force will sneak up on the enemy , whip off their gear ,and do a Full Monty, which is against the Geneva Convention, but who cares when you are having such fun and being fed on war surplus Army rations ?
Another plus for the grannies will be that fact that if they flutter their eyelashes , they can expect to be given packets of chewing gum and nylon stockings by lonely Yank soldiers . The pensioners will overnight in Darwin , rampage through the Mitchell Street nightclub and bingo precinct , and fly on to Afghanistan the next morning .

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Thursday, April 16, 2009

PIG'S ARSE DENIAL ****************

The ABC’s Q and A Tv show this week was a ripper . Gravel voiced John Elliot , former president of the Liberal Party, appeared to be suffering from nicotine withdrawal or the strain of demonstrating good manners in public. He denied that he had ever uttered pig’s arse , chain smoked and slurped from Darwin stubbies .

The show covered an amazing range of subjects: the Big Swinging Dicks of the Liberal Party plotting to get rid of Deputy Leader Julie Bishop, poppycock , Archbishop Pell’s views on condoms, paid maternity leave , tuition for uncouth colonials who dine with Prince Charles and male swines who don’t stand up for pregnant women. At times, Elliot gave a dazzling imitation of John Howard ranting against asylum seekers. The Opposition’s spokesman for Women , Sophie Mirabella , also showed why she was looked upon with favour by Little Johnny .

The show ended with a comical mashup about Malcom Turnbull and Peter Costello jostling for attention , the former Treasurer with the rubbery kisser never challenging for the leadership because “ Costello is Yellow ”, the clever skit played out to the tune of Mellow Yellow.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

CLP STRIPS FOR ACTION

The Curvaceous Lip Party (CLP) – a member of which graces the cartoon above - has called for a ban on the wearing of suits by politicians in the Top End. As everybody knows, the Curvaceous Lip Party fielded a team of attractive bearded ladies similar to the lovely Little Britain damsels at the last election and came within a whisker of grabbing power in the NT.

One percentage vote more and the lippy ladies would have had the Territory political system by the short and curlys. Curvaceous Lip Party members are furious with the ALP and the Country Liberal Party (CLP) for wearing suits and making the Legislative Assembly take on the appearance of an undertakers’ convention .

They are particularly annoyed with the Country Liberal Party because the Top End’s many donkey voters cannot tell the difference between the hairy CLP and the CLP zoot suited frequent flyers. A survey raised the hackles of the fungus femmes when it revealed that many people believe the two parties are one in the same.

As a result, the curvaceous crew will stage a nude demonstration outside parliament and burn suits and posters of Country Liberal Party members in bags of fruit.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

AUSTRALIA FELIX DEAD CAT

Baz Luhrmann be warned. As you pass through the Pearly Gates many years hence, prepare yourself for a hostile reception from author Xavier Herbert for incorporating ideas from his novels Capricornia and Poor Fellow My Country into the plot of Australia . The March edition of Quadrant carried a cover article by Queensland academic Laurie Hergenhan asserting the bleeding obvious, that Australia "lifted its plot " from Xavier Herbert.

Not only did Luhrmann do the heavy lifting , he gave the movie a happy ending. According to the Pearly Gates Times ,this ending infuriated Xavier as he and Kerry Packer watched the movie premier from the celebrity wing on Cloud Nine, eating popcorn and passing rude comments.

Herbert criticised acclaimed author Tolstoy for his ending of Anna Karenina -she run down and mangled by a train while rushing to meet her lover , a device Herbert used to bump off some of his own Territory characters . Having supposedly written screenplay material for “a dwarf” in faraway Pommie Land when he was an unknown, Herbert regarded himself as an expert in denouement .

One thing is for certain , Xavier would not have had the soppy ending of Australia . Baz admitted he changed the ending from sad to “happy” at the last moment. Xavier would have had the Japanese triumphantly sweeping across the land , way past the Brisbane Line . An heroic figure, remarkably like Xavier himself , would have emerged in Capricornia to lead a ragtag guerilla army against the enemy. Nicole Kidman, in charge of oiling his .303, would be by his side , swinging on a trapeze ( sorry, wrong movie ), singing Waltzing Matilda, while kneading a damper and boiling the billy for a cuppa Kanga – the brew that helps Nigella Lawson get through a tough day and three bars of yummy chocolate.

The very least Luhrmann should have done was contact Xavier on the ouija board and hired him as a consultant during the shooting of the epic. Admittedly such an act would have undoubtedly doubled the production cost of the film .


This rambling dissertation has been brought about by a member of the Little Darwin team who has just seen Australia for the first time on a pirated DVD in Bali. He found the experience excruciating yet –oddly- entertaining . Corny, clich├ęd , it is, according to him , a hotch potch of Herbert’s writings with flashes of earlier Australian films such as The Overlanders , the dramatic Jedda and Crocodile Dundee .

Jedda was described as the greatest publicity for Australia since the discovery of the platypus . Crocodile Dundee was a runaway success . Despite all the Hollywood and local hype , Australia is a disappointing B grade effort , nowhere as good as the much criticised , So why the bloody hell aren't you over here? tourist campaign

Some of the cinemaphotography in Australia was truly third rate , especially the cattle stampede scene . A hoofs and horns expert pointed out whips have to be cracked by riders attempting to bring spooked cattle under control. No wonder Jack Thompson , addicted to Poor Fella demon rum ( more royalties for the Herbert estate?) , was trampled to death. His battered face had the appearance of a reject Toby character jug and the repulsive leftovers in the bottom of a Bovril rendering vat . The shots of Hugh Jackman, stretched out like a lizard sunning himself on a rock , galloping along on a horse were as amateurish as much of the footage in the days of Hopalong Cassidy and Roy Rogers.

The depiction of Darwin faithfully captured the Mitchell Street boozing and brawling of the l930s as if it were 2009. As it was shot in Bowen , we can blame Queensland yokels for the current Mitchell Street mayhem. If you blinked, you would have missed the tiny part of the film actually shot in Darwin .

Little Darwin can reveal that a well known Darwin resident who got a bit part in Australia played the pilot of a Japanese Zero fighter. For obvious reasons, he insisted his name not be mentioned in the credits next to Kidman and Jackman .

Our reviewer of the movie started to giggle hysterically when he saw the l939 charity ball in Darwin where everybody was dressed up to the nines . He fell down laughing when a nimble footed photographer attired in a tropical dinner jacket , sporting a beaut Speedgraphic camera, was seen taking happy snaps of the snobbish establishment. It is doubtful if any Darwin photographer in the history of the NT media has ever looked so dapper, so svelte . He gave the expression gentlemen of the press a bad name by appearing suspiciously clean, slick and kempt.


And as for Judy Garland getting a run in the film, , all that was needed to increase the box office appeal was for Bruce Lee to tap dance down Cavenagh Street with Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers with Lassie rounding up cane toads and Paris Hilton entertaining the troops.

Few people would have appreciated the way the NT Administrator was portrayed in the movie. He was a funny old bird with a telescope who commented that the Carney cattle empire ( sounds like Vestey ) in the Territory seemed about to be challenged by Lady Sarah Ashley and her dainty smalls . The real life administrator , Aubrey Abbott , very early in the piece , pointed out tight - fisted British land owners had tied up large tracts of prime Territory pastoral country. It seems there was a hidden dash or two of verite mixed in with the corn .

Our award for the film : Three Bronx cheers , which translates into a trio of Aussie raspberries.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

EASTER BLESSINGS AND BUNNIES

As a special Easter treat , several NT Government ministers will re-enact the 14 photo shoot opportunities for cross early morning motorists along the Tiger Brennan Drive extension route.

Dressed in hard hats and yellow safety jackets, the ministers will lead the faithful along the historic route. There will be much flashing of silver spades and teeth for the media. Police have warned people taking part inthe procession to watch our for palm fronds falling from unsecured loads of garden rubbish being taken to the dump on Sunday.

When completed , the blessed roadway will deliver a horde of roamin’ and raving drivers from the hinterland into the CBD to create an unholy gridlock . Parking inspectors armed with magic staffs capable of dividing the Dead Sea and stun guns will be hired to control the sinful motorists
who will stream into the city along the autobahn and fight for parking.

SILVER NUCLEAR BULLET SOLUTION

North Korea’s dingbat leader, Kim Jong-Ill, has kindly offered to solve Darwin’s crocodile , cane toad and dog problems in one hit. For a year’s supply of high heel shoes, a cellar full of French wine, a large deposit in a secret Swiss bank account and John Wayne’s stuffed horse, he will arrange to nuke Darwin in his next rocket launch . Named in his honour , the three -stage rocket is called Illustrious Raving Short A*** Twit. It is propelled by the screams of the oppressed North Koreans.

Now that the rocket can reach as far as Darwin and Disneyland , it can be zeroed in precisely to achieve maximum pest destruction. Sabotaged by the CIA , it could turn into a boomerang and disappear up Kim’s designer label knickerbockers just before detonation to greatly reduce the country’s cockroach infestation.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

BIKIE GANG SHOCK HORROR

Police are alarmed by the formation of two new bikie gangs in Canberra . One , the Chinese Triad, holds secret meetings at The Lodge Long Soup Factory . Triad members are led by Beijing Kev, a tattooed oriental with an impressive command of Strine, his favourite Aussie expression for his opponents being a " sh*tload of capitalist running dogs ".

The Triad’s sworn enemy , the hooded Mad Monks, have a leader who rides in a bullet proof replica of the Popemobile. Mad Monks undergo an initiation ceremony in which they eat gluten free wafers , which has been condemned by Cardinal Pell. The ruthless gangs regularly stage a turf war on the lawn atop parliament house where they charge each other with Victa lawnmowers revved up to the maximum and inflict terrible injuries on the prize beds of paspalum , ragwort and native tulips.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

TOOTH FAIRY EXHAUSTED

One section of the Australian economy experiencing good times is the dental splint making industry. Why? Because in these troubled economic times people are grinding their teeth like scrub turkeys during their sleep. Especially members of the Coalition who are deeply depressed by all the praise heaped on PM Rudd by overseas leaders and the polls.

Many members of the Shadow Ministry have been banished from the nuptial couch because they gnash their teeth due to nightmares about the PM . In these horrendous dreams, Kev the Magnificent, garlanded, wearing imperial purple, is repeatedly borne shoulder high through cheering crowds along the Appian Way , preceded by seven wise virgins soon to trim their wicks in readiness for the May budget

Saturday, April 4, 2009

RUDD PRAISE UNHINGES LIBS

Jeff Kennett has been busier than a zambuc man in an AFL grand final match ever since Kevin Rudd was showered with praise during his recent trip to America and the G20 talks in London. It seems everybody from the US president to the Tele Tubbies and the Spice Girls said our Kevin is a great guy, doing a grand job and capable of walking on water .

The born to rule brigade in Australia could not believe their ears when the Archbishop of Canterbury said Rudd was like the second coming , the Queen gave Kev a private audience and Madonna tried to adopt our PM which, we understand, Therese was only too happy to arrange. Rudd is now nearly as popular as Santa and his red nosed reindeer.

All this kudos has infuriated the bitchy Coalition back home which has become deeply depressed , resulting in many calls for help from Kennett’s admirable Beyond Blue organisation which helps people cope with Winston Churchill’s Black Dog.

Forget the Coalition chanting feeble slogans like RUDD’S CASH SPLASH , they are now so disheartened by the praise for Rudd - and their low standing in the polls- that many of them grind their teeth at night , suffering from RUDD’S GNASH GNASH . As a result , many members of the Shadow Ministry now sleep on the couch with Tiddles or Spot , banished there by their spouses who want a good night's sleep.

That grinding of molars increased when a top Young Liberal appeared on TV in what was unkindly described as an alcopop enhanced performance. Kennett’s phone has been busier than a pizza shop on pay night ever since this promising young Libber with a built in voice scrambler went on the box to make crystal clear the True Blue cause .

Meanwhile, the RAAF VIP fleet catering service has expanded its menu to include lotus sandwiches and coffee made from Mongolian yak milk for the PM . After dinner Fortune cookies and SPAM snacks have also been added to the mile high tucker treats *

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

YANKEE CROC FOR PINE CREEK ?

Tip for local media : an outfit called Manhattan , perhaps trading as Crocodile Gold , has bought the Pine Creek gold company which folded owing bundles of money , leaving contractors in the lurch and many out of work.

BOVVER BOYS BOTHERED ******

The Queensland Liberal National Party- described as the National Party in Drag-is desperately seeking a new name after they were roped like dopes by a woman!!! The high- kicking , tough- talking, brown -shirted Nationals , thinking they were certain to be swept into power in the Fatherland election , have retreated to their bunkers.

Their Liberal mates (spit!), hugging Teddy bears like Sebastian out of Brideshead Revisited , hiding in dark coffee lounges , sipping sickly latte, now demand the LNP must change its name to the trendy Banana Metrosexual Party. In a shock for the Nats , the Libs maintain macho men bit the dust long ago in Bananaland and that you now have to be cool, well educated and stylish to appeal to Queensland voters because of all those accursed southerners who moved in across the border. Wise old Uncle Joh warned his chooks what would happen to the Sunshine State when them thar decadent southerners invaded.