Saturday, July 30, 2011


Several of Darwin’s polluted beaches-including Mindil- are being searched for a missing politician taken by a savage feral suet pudding - rejected and flushed down the toilet during judging of cakes by the CWA at the recent Darwin Show .

According to Darwin’s most respected newspaper,The Cullen Bay Cock-Up, the as yet unnamed politician, believed to be a senator , was wearing Siberian Little Whimbrel smugglers and handcuffs when he ventured into the murky mire and was grabbed by the pud .

A visiting Good Samaritan , Julia Ranger, sipping carbonated water, was walking her pet crocodile on the beach and rushed to help the struggling pollie . So desperate was he, the man offered Julia his autographed album of Barnaby Joyce in 57 farcical chartered accountant poses if she saved him from the heartless suet monster.

Unfortunately for the hysterical senator , Ranger’s randy crocodile , Vim, tried to mate with the comely suet pudding and the screaming man was last seen caught up in an otherwise passionate Mills and Boon ending being towed towards Timor–Leste , a flustered Cupid trying to get a clear shot with his bow and arrow on the two enthusiastic lovers , engaged in a series of lusty rolls ,which would surely win a gold medal for Australia in the aquatic dancing section at the forthcoming British Olympics.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011


This-bug eyed individual, a fine specimen of Australian manhood , is none other than multi-skilled celebrity architect , Peter Burleigh , in his studious younger days in Melbourne, just before departing for the Old Dart . Burleigh’s cartoons, his golden prose about the Paris cultural scene and enthralling Continental misadventures with journalist Pete Steedman and model Julie Reiter recently graced the Little Darwin blog, now read by secret police in Slovenia , China and the Ukraine. Currently on an outback safari , Burleigh, a vexing vexillologist, is reportedly in or about Broome where his patriotic flag waving will cause Cable Beach camel teams to bolt , fearful local residents to lock themselves inside, and Lord McAlpine’s and Paspaley Pearls Group's real estate properties to plunge in value. Burleigh is soon to feature in another epic instalment of the stunning Steedman saga dealing with Swinging London,once the sizzling copy is cleared by the censors , MI5 and Mary Whitehouse .

Monday, July 25, 2011


WASHINGTON : The FBI has been asked to investigate a claim that the trousers stolen from Malcolm Fraser when he was Prime Minister of Australia are being auctioned on e-bay. Mr Fraser was on a fact finding mission to Memphis when an audacious thief nicked his trews one dark night.

Dazed and chased by yapping mongrel dogs , our great leader was taken into protective custody . Considerate police officers supplied him with a Big Bird costume to hide his knobbly knees from disrespectful photographers.

The theft was regarded as one of the most audacious crimes in America . Despite the efforts of a team of detectives led by Elliott Ness , helped by Inspector Rex ,who ran his wet nose up the PM’s inside leg searching for a scent, no culprit was ever found. Now the case has been re-opened after all these years by e-bay offering the trousers , described as having once belonged to a famous, over stressed Australian grazier.

During his time as PM , irreverent , lefty , Bonox - sipping members of the media hurtfully nicknamed Mr Fraser the Crazy Grazier. So these strides on e-bay sound suspiciously like the ones stolen from Mr Fraser.

The FBI warns the elastic in the braces attached to the pants will have perished by now and moths will have riddled the cloth . If the stolen trousers are seized in a dawn SWAT team raid and returned to Mr Fraser, he will be advised not to wear them in public or else he will be arrested for having no visible means of support and impersonating a hobo without a permit to do so, much to Tammy's annoyance.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Saturday, July 23, 2011


Back down in the shivery south after enjoying the warmth of the Top End , an occasional latte sipper wishes it be made known that Darwin cafes are more generous in volume with their long macchiatos than Adelaide baristas . Dare we mention that another visitor from Sydney with whom we sipped and supped at Darwin Airport drank hot chocolate. Incidently ,while at the airport a tie was spotted atop a rubbish bin near the arrivals walkway, which would seem to indicate a visitor enjoyed the warmth and began to strip.

Thursday, July 21, 2011


From the photographic collection of the late author/historian Glenville Pike comes this shot showing Northern Territory volunteers for World War 1 marching down to the wharf in Darwin with the Japanese flag flying near the rear in April 1915. Little Darwin previously pointed out that Japanese warships had protected North Australia from German attack and had escorted troop convoys. The current NT Library display of treasures in the parliamentary library includes the silk program for the Fourth Northern Territory Contingent Smoke Social at which our Japanese allies were praised.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011


THE QUEEN and her consort were blamed for suspension of the live cattle exports to Indonesia in an offensive leaflet placed under windscreen wipers in Darwin during the community Cabinet meeting at Palmerston led by PM Julia Gillard. Somehow, the local media failed to pick up the fact that the bizarre circular had been distributed at the meeting .

Put out by the right wing Citizens Electoral Council of Australia , based in Melbourne, it contained a drawing depicting Sir Robert Menzies kissing the Queen’s derriere , with John Howard, Paul Keating, Bob Hawke, Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard queued up behind . In a crazy rant , in keeping with the Coalition’s scare campaign, raving shock jocks and News Limited’s relentless anti- government “ crap” , it charged that the British Crown had “ordered” the Gillard-Greens coalition to “cull” the population of Australia . PM Gillard is further charged with “dutifully” carrying out the "genocidal depopulation directives" of the Queen and Prince Philip’s World Wide Fund for Nature .

It reads like the fanatical diatribes which flood American TV, radio,the print media ,even churches , where the political atmosphere has been poisoned to such a degree that the economic and social cohesion of the nation is being torn asunder,with dire consequences for the world.

CEC,described as being of the far right and fascist , evolved out of the extreme right wing Australian League of Rights led by Eric Butler and is affiliated with the LaRouche Movement headed by the American Lyndon LaRouche , the conspiracy theorist. .

In the 2007 federal election , CEC received a total of 27,879 first preference votes in the lower house and 8677 in the upper house, both down 0.14 percent on 2004 .In the Northern Territory Senate count where a quarter of their vote came from , CEC received 2.01 percent of the vote . So it would seem that the NT is regarded as fertile ground for potential followers and when you see so many wacko letter writers to the editor and listen to the university station ranters it is no wonder.

The CEC newspaper New Citizen ran the bizarre line that Martin Boyd, under the control of brainwash specialists for British Intelligence’s psychological warfare bureau , had carried out the "orchestrated " Port Arthur massacre, shooting dead 35 people and wounding 37 others .

Monday, July 18, 2011


In a blast from the past, Little Darwin's ephemera collection presents theatre pass outs that advertised the now defunct Adelaide News, which Rupert Murdoch inherited on the death of his father, the beginning of his amazing rise to global media power. Sir Keith Murdoch took control of The News in 1951. Rupert Murdoch later closed The News and many of its journalists moved to the The Advertiser, where the Northern Territory News is now made up under the hub system of centralised production. Adelaide theatre pass outs of this era also contained adverts for Tandy's Society Box chocolates of distinction. It could be said the Murdochs are now the centre of a horror movie festival and their soft centres are melting as if seated in the Sahara watching Citizen Kane with a Harrod's picnic basket full of rich Swiss,Cayman Islands, Bermuda , British Virgin Islands and Carribean almost zero tax choccies .

Friday, July 15, 2011


In what must be seen as an unfortunate juxtaposition, the infighting Country Liberals ran a public notice in the NT News calling for expressions of interest in pre- selection. It was positioned between an advert for varicose vein treatment, Darwin’s largest range of hats and closure of the survivors ' lookout walk.


Once a long-haired activist refused a bank loan because of his wild mane - now a thinly- thatched , greying member of the Adelaide establishment with connections in Ethiopa , Japan,the US , Russia and Colombia - a visitor limped into Darwin’s Roma Bar this week and had what could be described as a collector’s orgasm .

In the postcards for good causes on display there was one from the National Library of Australia asking people to donate political buttons. The postcard has a montage of political buttons and badges , which he (typical southerner )promptly pocketed.

It just so happens this fellow, a dealer in and collector of arcane objects ranging from Edison gramophones , wall mounted telephones, Morse keys , ham radio call cards and militaria , also has a large and impressive array of Australian, New Zealand and American political tin buttons. A quick glance at the postcard and he was able to say it is obvious the National Library’s collection is slight. The only tin button of interest he found in Darwin was at the Nightcliff Uniting Church Op Shop.

Thursday, July 14, 2011


Despite the NT News dismissing southern journalists as soy milk latte sipping wimps, at least drinkers of these caffeine hits have a wicked, if twisted , sense of humour.F'rinstance , a group of Darwin latte sippers recently discussed the mounting wave of criticism against Rupert Murdoch and his empire.

It was pointed out that Rupert had copped a tirade of abuse when the ABC asked listeners if they thought Murdoch has too much power in Australia . One caller, a woman, described the media mogul as a “troglodyte”, probably the first time he has been called such. It must be said that Murdoch does not live in a New York cave , is not primitive and unintelligent , so calling him a trog , though colourful, is not applicable.

One of the latte sippers , a longtime Darwin resident, recalled that moons ago Rupert was appointed Chancellor of the gestating University of the Northern Territory. As such, he was entitled to be called Rupert Murdoch, C.U.N.T.

The sniggering latte sippers made such a mess with their drinks on hearing this story that they were asked to leave the premises or soak up the slop on the table and mop the remains of the tsunami on the floor.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


From the Little Darwin collection of theatre programmes comes this special and unusual post to mark the important event in French history- Bastille Day. The event will be marked in different ways in Australia from petanque playing and a ball at Pee Wee's , East Point, Darwin, with a prize of two return tickets to Paris , and a Jazz Concert on Magnetic Island with local and overseas musos.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


Jug-eared thespian , Phoney Abattoir, is expected to take the male lead role in the Canberra Mock Drama Society’s production of No!No!Nanette! His repeated nay- saying makes him ideal for the part. Each day he practises saying nix, nein,no way , non , not on under the shower and in front of the cracked mirror. In the play he will be repeatedly confronted by Nanette , a bossomy twin set, pearls and blue rinse Conservative droopy groupie , who throws him on her bicycle built for two and pedals into the NT sunset on a passionate fact finding tour. Throughout this ordeal, he repeatedly tells Nanette, “NO!NO!-My mother and father ,who sired me in the dickie seat of Bob Menzies’s Rolls Royce, would not approve!”**** Stuck in a groove, his valve rubber worn out, saddle sore after his study tour of Alice Springs , thespian Phoney Abattoir, is tipped to be the male fallen star in the next open- air production of Not Tonight , Josephine. An historical drama, it tells how Napoleon returns exhausted from a victorious Tour de Europe in a Mae West charabanc and fights off lusty Josephine who has lined up some tasty French tarts , a mud cake and some Aussie damper in the boudoir at a welcome home palace knees up. Abattoir’s polished diction , especially his clearly enunciated NO! is certain to frighten Bogong moths attracted to the stage by spotlights.

Monday, July 11, 2011


Julian Ricci, editor of the NT News, which frequently slings off at southern reporters, saying they are soy milk latte sipping wimps who know nothing about the wild North,won a Darwin Show prize for whipping up a cake ! No doubt those despised southern journos will choke on their lattes laughing when they hear the news.

His recipe was for something called a hummingbird cake. We understand it required a dozen freshly plucked , useless Territory hummingbirds , which taste like bootleather, not like those pampered,southern, plump quails poached from Taronga Zoo . Then the cake was coated with –wait for it -cream cheese icing!

The rough, tough, spit, scratch your testicles in public and tell the Mexicans to piss off back down south Territory image portrayed and supported by the News has obviously undergone a major change. Territorians, it would seem, are now SENSITIVE NEW AGE GUYS, Snags , into CWA cooking contests , no doubt even furtively drinking soy milk lattes while dynamiting streams for barra.

Puff Pastry Tip: Ricci is soon to leave Darwin and take up a new post down south in the very hub of caffe latte territory where cooking recipes and low-cal spicey diatribes agin the nation's head chef are syndicated throughout the crumbling empire.

Sunday, July 10, 2011


There is a lot to see in the mining town of Pine Creek , gateway to Kakadu, right now. The mango trees are in full blossom, grey nomads from all over Australia are circling the town like Redskins around a ring of wagons in a wild west movie , and the local dogs are resting after appearing on stage kitted out as dinosaurs in a play about a rest home.Little Darwin is reliably informed a local lass wore an uplift bra for the first time during the play and made a big impression on the theatre audience.

The town’s colourful past is displayed in a long trail of tiles drawn by locals,covering the Aboriginal links, early European history, mining and how the town came to be named- after a grove of Cypress Pines .

Unfortunately, that interesting and creative trail of tiles has been damaged and defaced with offensive graffiti on one panel which should be promptly removed. It appears a dispute between local Aboriginals resulted in some of the tiles being roughly removed and chipped. This is a sad situation. Another informative plaque near the railway booking office has been subjected to more offensive graffiti and should be replaced .

Friday, July 8, 2011


* As Crocodile Dundee would say, your wimpy croc is not a croc; this is a real croc.- From Little Darwin's collection of true Territory tales .

Long before Sydney radio announcer John Laws became famous for his golden tonsils and microphone, Darwin had a multi media personality who , with a guttural accent , was nicknamed “The Voice”, and declared there was no news in the truth . He was lanky Bob Freeden, a refugee from Nazi Germany, who more than 50 years ago cashed in on stories about crocodiles , snakes and buffaloes running and slithering about in Darwin.

A correspondent for southern newspapers, he realised there was an insatiable demand for offbeat stories about marauding wildlife, so did what is known in the trade as beat ups.This infuriated Darwin based Melbourne Herald reporter and author , Doug Lockwood, who received calls from head office wanting to know why they had not received a matching story. Exasperated ,Lockwood would state no buffalo had dashed down Smith Street into Cashman’s, scattering the locals. Shame, they would say in Melbourne, it makes a good read in opposition papers. Ruth Lockwood informed this writer Bob Freeden had been a source of continual annoyance to her husband .

Freeden’s parents fled to WA and Bob obtained a position with MacRobertson Miller Airlines ,at some stage posted to Darwin. Pilots and passengers would come in with colourful outback stories, and he began writing them for southern newspapers. The more offbeat the story, the better the run and the greater the demand for similar yarns.

Soon he was supplying stories and feature articles to a wide range of outlets. Diana’s Diary , a column in the union owned Northern Standard mentioned Freeden at times, and called him “ The Voice” . In the late 1940s he stood out in Darwin, a large figure zooming about on a motorbike .

When the ABC opened up its Darwin newsroom in March 1951, Freeden was engaged as an assistant to the newly appointed regional journalist. Another ABC regional journalist with whom he had close contact was English reporter John Crew . Because of his English accent , Freeden called him "Pommie Crew " , who responded by calling Bob , “Freeden Fritzel”. Freeden’s sister,Shirley, came up from Perth on a visit and became a nurse at Darwin Hospital.

Snakes, buffaloes and crocodiles featured in a September 1951 Australian Women’s Weekly article Freeden wrote about what was billed as Darwin’s first agricultural show in 45 years . A competitor in the woodchopping turned up barefooted –minus one big toe,lost in a previous woodchopping event . Lettuce were as big cabbages and cabbages were twice the normal size, he wrote. A prize winning bunch of bananas weighed 80lb and contained more than 200 fingers. On display was a photograph of a stainless steel knife riddled by white ants. Freeden certainly had an eye for the unusual. Soon he was driving a car .

Because he was so prominent in the Darwin media world and well known down south , he became involved with the group which started the Northern Territory News and was its manager for a period. According to intelligence provided Little Darwin, some of Freeden’s mail from Sydney , including one letter instructing him to sack the editor, was steamed open and read .

When Freeden moved to Sydney he was involved with the influential PR consultant Eric White. White and political reporter Don Whitington had been key players in the establishment of the NT News and the Mt Isa Mail, both later bought by Rupert Murdoch. Freeden did PR work for TAA, the government airline and was instrumental in the appointment of Jim Bowditch, editor of the Centralian Advocate at the time , to the position as NT News editor.

While drinking with Bowditch, Freeden often declared, “There is no nooz in the twoof.”By this profound statement , he was reaffirming that newspapers just love beat up wildlife stories.Freeden also interviewed me in a Sydney TAA office for a position as a journalist on the News. My appointment letter said accommodation would be provided-"primitive as it is" - in the NT News tin bank building in Smith Street.

A large python once slithered in through an opening at the back of the News while Timmy Forday, a linotype operator, later known as Tim the Toy Man, at Parap , was doing his washing . One of the staff loaded a spearfishing gun and let fly at the snake , smashing a fibro sheet in the shower / toilet recess, which caused the large colony of green frogs who resided therein ,enjoying the leaking plumbing, to croak loudly in nervous protest .

Freeden went from success to success in business .He started his own PR firm and began a string of trade publications ,one being Travel Talk, subscription business newsletters, cashed in early on dial up for information on a wide range of things ,including recipes and prayers.

Clients of his included airlines , Coca-Cola, Union Carbide and a Scandinavian car company . Something of a car buff, it is said he once had two Jaguars in his garage. When holidaying in Sydney, Jim and Betty Bowditch spent much time with the Freedens; Mrs Freeden had worked at Darwin Hospital. Much to everyone’s surprise , Jim arrived back in Darwin from Sydney driving a plush ex- embassy limo which it is believed Freeden had arranged for him. Jim reluctantly sold the car, saying he needed the money.

During a business trip to Canada ,Freeden visited a museum in an early town and saw an old printing press which was exactly the same as one which used to clank away in the NT News in the tin bank days.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011


Dismay has been expressed over the felling of trees,some more than 400 years old ,in the Timor-Leste enclave of Oecusse. Judy Charnaud,OzGREEN program manager,points out there has been large scale destruction of trees with a girth of more than six metres and a height of 80 metres and above as part of roadworks carried out in the Oecusse town in the past few months . She asked if Timor-Leste has an environmental policy . If so, it must surely have been completely contravened in this instance .

As she watched the last tree topple, she heard people say how sad it was to see the loss of such beautiful trees. All this destruction to build roads took place in a tiny enclave,population 50,000, never likely to see serious traffic problems .

The consequence of this environmental vandalism would be widespread – lack of shade, iron roofed houses now exposed to full sunlight, severe erosion and subsequent filling of the drains which have replaced the trees, increased carbon footprint, loss of biodiversity, loss of ambience, loss of scenic value.

The road repair work could surely have been done in a more eco-friendly way, she said . Did every large tree have to be removed, could the road be widened in such a way that only one side had to be cleared, could the road have been moved?


A pair of eager breeding monkeys- definitely not wanted in Darwin

In a moment of extreme foolishness in South Australia , perhaps due to several libations ,this writer signed a promissory note agreeing to pay a staggering $1,500,000 on delivery of a pair of breeding monkeys. Fortunately, I have that yellowing promissory note and it can be reduced to ashes should a pair of fertile caged chimps arrive COD on my Darwin doorstep. The extravagent agreement was made with a colourful Pommie journalist, publisher, author, ex- car racer , opal trader , stamp licker , antique dealer , Toby jug collector, auctioneer and teller of improbable tales .This odd document resulted from an evening in which the said Britisher claimed he owned a property, near Rockhampton, Queensland , overrun by monkeys.

At first ,I was inclined to say pull the other one and similar disparaging remarks , but knowing the bizarre events this fellow had been involved in, asked him for details about his feral kingdom . One of many weird tales he had told me previously related to his seafaring grandfather who used to return to London from voyages with unusual souvenirs. After a trip to the Spice Isles , he had supposedly lobbed home with a hairy Orang-outang , which was placed in a cage on the landing.

Each time our storyteller, a young boy at the time, walked by the cage to go to the toilet , the animal tried to grab him in an embrace , so at night he just wet the bed rather than risk being hugged by grandpa’s frightening pet. I maliciously suggested that it was not an Orang-outang in the cage , but his poor old grannie , going through the change of life, driven mad by the belief that grandad had a girl (chimp) in every port, and that she was suffering from a severe hormone imbalance as well, obviously requiring replacement injections , shock treatment and extensive depilation . The poor critter escaped while being taken for a stroll one night during WW11 and was shot by police who probably thought it was a German invader in a devious disguise.

Meanwhile, back to the Queensland monkey colony story . The boy crushed by the fearsome monkey/ grandmother in the cage, came to Australia and helped people write and publish books, as well as doing a large amount of wheeling and dealing –he offered me 40 spinning wheels, several shipping containers of books, an album of penny blacks ,paintings , a hat worn by brave Nancy Wake of the French resistance and 100 dozen condoms well past their use by date .

One woman was so delighted by him helping write and publish her family history that, as a reward, he claimed she gave him a small , rundown property which had belonged to her father. Her father was said to have been connected in some vague way with a circus yonks ago. Monkeys from that circus had been kept on this block and multiplied, as monkeys do in fecund bananaland .

My informant, looking me straight in the eye, said he had visited the out of the way property and found large numbers of chimps cavorting near a waterway, like a scene out of a Tarzan movie. Still highly dubious, about to make a trip to Queensland , I demanded directions to this property and said I would drop in and test the veracity of his highly improbable story. In a flash, he drew a quick map of Queensland with an X marking the mysterious monkey kingdom spot . Carried away, I then promised to pay a fortune for a pair of breeding monkeys , if they existed.

Entrepreneur that he is, he said they were Rhesus monkeys , ideal for medical research, and were becoming increasingly valuable . I could make a fortune selling them to laboratories. Not sure how I could tell the sex of a monkey and how I might get a pair into a cage without being savaged , possibly contracting the dreaded ebola disease in the process ,like intrepid Dr Livingstone , I set forth with the map.

Unfortunately , I never did get to the supposed monkey lost world. This leaves open the possibility that there is a kind of Down Under Jurassic Park tucked away in the Sunshine State from whence One Nation obviously evolved.