Friday, January 10, 2014

32 January 2014        Issue #02/14         Price : $33.47


Magnautic   Island   Times   Inter-galactic   Scoop
 GRUBZILLA HORROR : ROGUE GRUB RAZES ISLAND

By  Unexplained  Phenomena  Eyewitness  Reporter,  Peeby  Beeply

Alien  monster Grubzilla  devouring Magnautic  Island - exclusive photo taken by Vallis who is now missing in action,  believed  reduced  to fertiliser .  Pine trees  in this graphic shot are  30 metres  high , so  the  enormous  invader   is   taller  than  the  Empire State  Building , where  King Kong  used  to  swing  about,  and  growing  by  the  hour .  
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This reporter may have been the first man on the planet to watch Grubzilla, as it is now dubbed, heave its ghastly bulk off the Magnautic Island ferry while I was shaving on late Thursday morning – but that’s an informed guess, it could have been Wednesday. I was scraping off residual shaving foam, whiskers and traces of vomit when the monster appeared behind me in the  mirror.  
 
By a quirk of physical serendipity, the mirror was aligned with the rear view-mirror on my car and Miss Mitzi Bicuspid’s reflective sunglasses on the windowsill of her bedroom down the street, and it was via these engines of reflective imagery that I first saw the monster. After another heavy night’s news-gathering at various Island hostelries, this reporter (a neatly dressed man who resembles the Duck of Edinburgh)  was aghast to witness Grubzilla demolish various Island landmarks without warning by what can only be described as a grossly enlarged yet wizened Witchetty Grub, probably from outer space, in a really pissed-off mood.
 
 In a similar situation other reporters would have fled, but a similar situation being unavailable this reporter stood his ground by locking myself in the garden shed and calmly collecting all the insecticide, ant dust, plant spray and 2-4-5-T I could lay my hands on. Before your reporter had time to fearlessly hurl these chemicals at the Grub from Hell it moved on to attack our Island’s cultural attractions, a park bench and a snorkel trail, and worse, our beloved statue of Keith Packer embracing Warwick Fairfax. Nothing less than a cultural Armageddon threatens our citizens.


Missing  in action : Last  shot   of   petrifying  grub   taken  by   poor  Vallis  before   disappearing  without   trace .
Reports from the  slime front emphasize the creature is in a blind rage and cannot see out of its single eye. Early attempts to communicate with Grubzilla have failed. It seems to have limited intelligence and is driven by the need to hide in dark caves or holes. Observers have detected scars around its head, probably from earlier encounters with others of its species or large pipes. At one end its bulk is partly covered by a huge padded covering which looks extraordinarily like a jumbo-size Band Aid. Your reporter saw the creature attempt to enter a Male Toilet but having neither the 20 cent fee or the fingers to place a coin in the slot it trashed the building in frustration. Soon after, several houses were drenched with an evil-smelling liquid and the creature emitted a kind of sigh of relief.
 

ISLAND  THINK  TANK
 
All the best brains on the Island have formed a Think Tank to seek a solution to this apocalyptic problem. The  two members of the Think Tank issued the following statement 30  minutes ago from  their  bunker under  the  wine cellar at  Pepper’s Resort (warning, the text  contains  French revolutionary  language , banned in  Queensland , because  the peasants  might rise  up  ):

Allons enfants de la Patrie! Let us march to Glory.

This monster is no more than the equivalent of an over-developed Witchetty Grub mutated by pollutants and artificial sweeteners. Bitch-slap it with the ORGANIC vegetables from your gardens! Stick your ORGANIC carrots where the sun doesn’t shine!

Ram your ORGANIC marrows and cucumbers where none but the brave dare enter! Send it back to where it came from (believed to be Queanbeyan) with a cheer from the citizens of our cherished Island.
 

EDITORIAL (abridged and sanitised )
 By  Petter Blogulay, VC and pre-Walkley  Award.
 As promised ,The   Magnautic  Island   Times  will  provide  out of  this world and  out of  a  bottle  experiences  for  discerning   Australians   and  Ukrainian   readers . To  show you  that  I  am bent  in  various ways, here  is  a  literary   obsession  of  mine :
 
If Jules Verne was alive today he’d simply die of déjà  vu.  And if he had been a Magnautic Islander instead of a twisted little  French  fantasist  his books would have been  less alarmist and  more  to  do  with  real  life.
 
The arrival of Grubzilla, an apparently apocalyptic Beast, named by Horrie Bicuspid’s 8 –year-old adopted grandniece Madonna-Wavelength III,  did lack a quality of shock spectacular better seen in John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982) and Zombies vs Cockneys (2011). The original Japanese monster Godzilla (1954) bears no resemblance to Grubzilla (2013) which is NOT a man dressed in a lizard suit.

This newspaper asks why Grubzilla has come to our Island when it would be more at home in a pub with the late Russ Hinze or wallowing in Loch Ness. Or does it have a political agenda? Before he was squashed to death on the footpath near the Sealink terminal, local identity Alfie Curmudgeon noted it wore a  tag with Simon Peter printed on  it. Why would it take the Biblical name of one of  JC’s disciples? And might it simply be an advertising stunt by the Magnautic  Island Citizens’ Council to attract tourists? Expect more brilliant  stories  and  offers of  free  firewood   for  summer  in  coming editions .
 
This astonishing  Grubzilla  scoop escaped  the attention of  the nearest mainland  newspaper, The  Gigglesville Bugle , where daily  editorial conferences   start  with  a  snort  of  laughing   gas.