Wednesday, May 7, 2014

GOOD NEWS FOR LEGION OF DANGLING POLE DANCERS

CANBERRA :  There will be welcome  uplifting  news in the Black Hole of  Calcutta Budget  for women  forced  to  become  pole dancers  late in  life  before  they   reach  the  pension   age of  70  and can then  slump to  the  floor,  be carried away on a stretcher and  rubbed  down   with   horse  liniment .
Pull rip cord -stand back .
To  make  the dancers  appear  more alluring  to  the  leering , Grange- swilling  lobbyists in the  audience ,  the  kind- hearted Abbott  government  will  supply them   with  packets   of   the  above    miracle  Malaysian  breast  firming  powder.   According  to   the  instructions ,  the  powder  tightens  breasts  and  is  important   for  women  after marriage .  It  is  first mixed  with  rose  water- the thorns removed – otherwise  there could  be an  outbreak of   Thorns on Tits  ,  twice  as   bad as  the Crown of  Thorns  scourge ,  which  is  chomping  away  on  the  Barrier  Reef .

Animal  rights  activists , the RSPCA  and  Dr Otto  Titslinger, the latter likely to be be made redundant,  are  certain to be   outraged  as  the  directions  on  this  sample packet ,  taken for a  test run by  Little  Darwin on 10 women ,  says  that after  applying  the  powder and  rose water  twice  a week  for  10 minutes,  your  should  massage  with  TURTLE OIL!

 Presumably , you  first  have to  catch a  struggling   Hawksbill  Turtle,  making  sure you  keep  its  powerful  beak  from  clamping  on  a  nipple , painful beyond all belief , one  would  think , keep  it  in the  bathtub  and  share your  tasteless gruel  with  the  critter  before  viewing  another exotic   SBS   cooking show which  specifically  teaches you how to  cook  a turtle in 101 different  ways  and make  oil  from  the offal .  Stand  back , as  your mammaries ,  dangling  down near your knees , spring  upright   like   ground  to  air  missiles , ready  for  instant  action  with   a  big  spender .