By
Doctor Phillip Oppian, O.N.A.N (Hons),
Middle
Eastern Fellation Fellow of the Eunuchian Institute, Oxford (Street),
Sydney.
Author
of Mellowness Interruptus – ‘Me No Pause’.
Assisted by:Piotr Bewleyvivov, University of
Slobovigrad, Komerongsibersk, Iceland (NSW), soon to be certified and struck off by the medical board .
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Doctor Oppian's own hormone replacement case study .
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To clear up a question at the outset, the writer of this
article occupies the high ground in any study of men in their declining years
because he is an exception to what such men call ‘THE RULES’. Firstly, I am not
declining, except when declining a Fluffy Duck, a lift from a stranger or A Long
Slow Screw Against The Wall. Secondly I am not and nor is my body, aging. I have
refused to permit this since my late teens.
My vigour is undiminished throughout
and has never been enhanced by drugs or surgery. Indeed, using the ageist
convention of adding up birthdays to make a judgement about a man’s
compos and mentis, I am unashamed to reveal I am in my 80th decade. Thirdly, I like women and am reasonably sure they
eventually will find their rightful place in society.
Predictably this essay will be misinterpreted by certain
reactionary elements who feel I am being deliberately ironic. Far from it! I‘m
aware of the dangers. Many ironists end up as victims of their own irony; for
example, look at the debates of the ‘Womens Lib’ era. Well, there’s not an ironic ulna or tibia in my entire
body.
Women potentially have a great future but cannot advance
until they shed their resentment of men, so it’s way past time (and in women's
own interests) for the feminist conspiracy against us to be exposed. Menopause
as generally accepted is an exclusively female milepost on the road to old age,
but rather than accept this as a normal part of their lives women have
successfully exfiltrated this most troubled stage of their existence into ours.
MEN LOVE WOMEN
Over generations women have focussed their resentment of their monthly
sufferings and the physical and mental difficulties caused by the end of their
reproductive cycle on men. They have transferred new types of guilt into men's
subconscious. It’s natural to want to punish your torturer but men are not to
blame here – if women should blame anyone, they should blame their creator.
But this essay is less of an indictment against women than an
advance warning to men aged roughly between 18 and 43. Regretfully those over 43
are lost forever. Men-o’pause is not an Irish malady, despite the (now
redundant) o-apostrophe in the middle of the word, but it does maintain the
original warning to ‘pause and consider’.
RAQUEL WELCH SHOCK
Because we love women, mens willingness to shoulder the
imaginary ‘blame’ for menopause has come at a high cost in stress, hair loss,
weight gain, flatulence, intolerance, lack of manners, and general social
disengagement. All are commonly accepted by men to be the result of their own
menopausal aging. In fact these distressing symptoms result from psychological
pressure as men try to shape themselves into the kind of ‘punching ball’ that
women can transfer their frustrations to.
Men have tripped over themselves to appease their women for
so long we haven’t realised ‘middle age’ is not our natural state. Consider the
validity of the symptoms we suffer. Falling testosterone levels. Failing
eyesight. Viagra. Falling sperm counts. Sex drive fading to neutral. Swelling
man-boobs. Spotty hands, turkey necks. Incontinence. Lack of self-esteem. These
are medical and psychological manifestations, not evidence of an aging process
(and note this stuff doesn’t apply to women and is therefore used to assert
their ‘stronger sex’ argument.)
Women supply the insistent background voice men hear in the
back of their minds every waking minute: ‘don’t fall over, don’t drive so fast,
don’t set a bad example, you were told about this months ago, you never say
thank you, how could you forget, avoid taking a stand, be cautious what you
say’, and so on….this is not the voice of conscience. Women have
learned that words can wound at least as well as a sharp blade. Their reaction
to their own menopausal destiny prompted their ruthless centuries-long study of
mens’ weaknesses.
No longer are women female Spartans, fierce supporters of
their men against outside influences. When men are weakened nowadays women feel
a sense of victory over them, and can be pitiless in exploiting it. Men are, as
a matter of fact, somewhat naïve and innocent. They Trustem Ergo
Sensitivave (I trust therefore am vulnerable: Eumenades).
Are there any men who have escaped ‘men’-o-pause? Only a few.
Dwayne Johnson, actor/wrestler. Arnold Schwarzenegger, aspiring actor. Mickey
Mouse, actor. Henry VIII, TV personality. And Raquel Welch. To be scrupulously
honest, I am unsure about The Pope What is their secret? The answer is obvious.
What’s the one thing that makes us different from women? Our penises. Be
kind to your penis, it’s the only one you’ve got. Let it speak for you. Let it
stand up for you (and you didn’t know about Raquel Welch, did you?).
The seven ages of man may be a myth, but the Seven
Stages of Man in today’s female-induced menopause is very real. I
recently re-viewed Disney’s ‘Snow White’ and was struck by how the personalities
of the Dwarves corresponded with my observations of menopausal men. My Seven
Menopausal Dwarves have different names from Disney’s: Twitchy,
Sweaty, Gloomy, Bitchy, Cranky, Bloated, and Forgetful.
PRIME MINISTER FAILS MEN
PRIME MINISTER FAILS MEN
As long as we swim in a sea of androgynous youth and
artificially-enhanced women, it will be difficult to regain our self-respect.
The Australian Prime Minister, the self-appointed Federal Minister for Womens’
Affairs, is believed to be preparing a White Paper which encapsulates everything
he has learned about the opposite sex. It is expected to be brief. Australian
men need a champion and for a time hoped Tony Abbott might be the one to restore
their pride; but he wasn’t and he isn’t.
As a result, several men of my
acquaintance have adopted Buddhism in an attempt to avoid menopause, but sadly
there is no evidence they will succeed unless they are reincarnated as a
cockroach or a Skink. No, there is only one way to recover our real
personalities and that is to confront our false menopausal guilt head-on.
Using the squeaky wheel strategy which dictates that the one
who complains the loudest gets the hearing, women have dragged men into their
own ‘change of life’ territory. They’ve made us feel guilty about what can be
for women a glorious transition to calmness and serenity – but the lie is that
menopause is natural for both sexes. Men have swallowed this hook, line and
sinker.
HOPELESS AFTER 43
If men can emerge from stressful transitions such as puberty,
loss of virginity, and recovering from car accidents as calm, assured,
prepared, wise and helpful people, why can’t women? We men help ladies
across the street, love our pets, set good examples for our grandchildren and
support our family values. Why is this not good enough? What goes wrong?
Thanks to the machinations of women, men now display
symptoms of physical and mental decline once they pass the age of 43 because our
bodies fail to produce the tsunami of testosterone we once claimed as a basic
human right, our skin loosens, our hair recedes, our muscles soften, our bones
creak…basically every part of us will retreat and refuse to reappear.
Our nobility of mind and
body go into ‘denial of service’ mode because our brains have been infected by a
Trojan Virus introduced by the very people we should be working closely with:
women. So be prepared for this. When you have an episode of rudeness and
irritability, remember that none of it’s your fault. It’s not that you’re
misunderstood, you’re deliberately being misunderstood!
Despite the differences between
male mellowing and female menopause, one similarity is shared: all women and
most men suffer from hormone depletion past a certain age. If we can
reject false menopausal thinking we can once and for all reject the idea
that both men and women must share a physiognomicalanian fate.
It is clear that hormone
replacement, the discredited artificial ‘normalcy’ therapy for men and women, is
not a natural process. Without the intervention of HRT, what would happen? I
suspect we all reach a certain age point as we pass through our lives, which
inevitably marks a genderless phase of life in both women and men.
Women will have low or no estrogen levels and men, (since the number suffering
from so-called ‘male menopause’ is allegedly increasing) will eventually lose
their testosterone.
After this point the elderly will become an
androgynous part of the human species, having only the remnants of
once-operative reproductive systems. Eventually society will recognise
and reject today’s trivial gender war and gender discrimination. If we
eventually all become simply human, what is the point of stereotypes,
ideas like ‘male menopause’, and unequal pay and feminism?
Our first move toward
enlightenment is to find out Who put the ‘men’ into
menopause?– 1984 graffiti on a toilet wall,
signed ‘IrasciBill’.
Next Week: Dr Oppian examines issues
surrounding androgynousness drugs, new trends in androgynous plastic surgery and
whether bisexual elites are plotting a gender takeover.
