Sunday, October 15, 2017

HUGE LEGAL CASE LOOMING AGAINST TOWNSVILLE

Another  S(h)ipping  Reporter  exclusive
Captain Cook  is not amused by  this  latest Townsville  stunt ; man facing camera appears to be performing  an  old  sailors  hornpipe  jig, popular  in  1770.  

Furious , famous explorer  Captain  James Cook  has instructed lawyers to sue the jodhpurs  off a number of prominent  Townsville  organisations for changing the name of  Magnetic Island  to Cowboys Island .
 
"I have the naming rights to  Magnetic Island , because I named it in the first  place ," he thundered  , from the poop deck . " Actually, I  dubbed it Magnetical Isle , but  some  dumb colonial   had  the nerve to  change it   to   Magnetic , without   seeking  approval  from  me , the  legal  title holder ."
 
Red with rage , Captain Cook   said he would like to keel haul all those  who recently changed  the name  to Cowboys Island  and   came  to the  island  on a Sealink ferry and   flounced  about the  terminal  like  drunken  Morris dancers ,  waving  flags and  giggling ,  then   fled back to  the  mainland .
 
"I have  instructed   a local hotshot lawyer, Cameron Horatio  Nelson , to  nail a writ to the  mast of  the   Townsville  City Council  chambers , its mayor and councillors  eager , prancing  players in  this  outrage ,"  the captain said . 

The Admiralty Court  writ, he explained, would prevent  any councillors  from  making further overseas jaunts  to  India , Singapore, China , Disney Land , Wally World . Other parties  to be included in  the legal action  include Townsville Enterprise , Sealink , the   Cowboys Leagues  Club , the Townsville  Bulletin .

Captain Cook said he is prepared to take the case to  the powerful  Privy Council in the Old Dart  if  the  Red Brick Dunny  and  the overworked  High Court of  Australia   did not rule in his  favour .

In the meantime ,  he would issue another   writ  preventing Prince Harry from ever coming to Townsville, blockade the  Townsville   ferry terminal with  100 ship of the line , flog members  of   Townsville  Enterprise  and then  place them in stocks along The Strand to be  pelted   by the public with tomatoes and  rotten mangoes  , make  soccer  the  main   code  in  Queensland and ban rugby league !!!
 
 "I did not  endure the  dangers of  sailing along the Great Barrier Reef , without a depth sounder , GPS  and  radar  , to have  my  island , now  annoyingly   abbreviated to Maggie , which sounds like a milk maid suffering from cow pox  ,  turned into a crazy name, Cowboys  Island !"he roared.    

Captain Cook was  scathing  in his comments about the Townsville Bulletin  and its part in  the renaming of Magnetic Island . The paper, he said, spitting on the deck ,  was not worth  the penny it dared charge . In the good old days of penny press in London  editors  could be  dragged off to the  London Tower , hung , drawn and quartered , and left out to be picked over by   ravens .  This kind of treatment , he told me, presiding over a barbecue in Hawaii, would obviously improve  media  coverage and  democracy   in  North Queensland .